Conversations with myself

Conversations with myself

MHM August 05I don’t want to go.

Why?

I can’t be bothered.

Why? That’s not a good enough reason.

I feel sick.

How sick.

Too sick to go out.

Are you sure you can’t do it? Won’t going out make you feel better?

There’s no point in going anyway.

Why?

Because it doesn’t matter; me being there doesn’t make a difference.

I think it does.

I don’t think it does, and anyway I’m too late now.

It’s probably OK to be late rather than not go at all.

I don’t want to go.

Better ring them then.

I don’t want to ring them. I don’t know what to say.

Better go then.

OK.

Later …

Conversation with a teacher

Jordan wanted to show you his work.

Oh. OK. That’ll be nice.

(The beaming boy proudly shows me his Literacy work and I go through it with him. I thank him and tell him that I am proud of what he has accomplished, neither of us stop smiling.)

Thank you for sharing that with me.

I just wanted you to see the excellent work he has produced. All the pupils you work with are producing excellent work lately; it must be the extra time that they each spend with you. They have really improved and are progressing so well. Thank you.

I’m pleased that I can help.

Later …

Conversation with myself

MHM Oct 2007

I’m glad I went. It seems to matter.

I said that.

© Marjorie H Morgan (2017).

No!

no

It is good to listen and it is good to help. But you really have to know when to block the communications off.

If you do not then you can become a channel for an unrestricted flow of unpleasantness.

I think I am a fairly open person and I do like to listen to others; it is by listening that I have learnt so much about what people really want and what they are like. However, I have realised that there comes a time when some routes of communication must be blocked from my end.

I have accepted that some of my relationships with people are based on how they feel at the time and whether or not they want to talk to me. These relationships are like a one way street. Usually I don’t disturb this flow and keep the way open for all access from them at any time. But I know that this is not the healthiest way forward for me. This is because I have seen repeated patterns of behaviour that are simply defined as blatant abuse and disregard for my feelings or opinions.

I have found my own purest thoughts are those I write down – when I am undisturbed.

It was when I was re-reading some diary entries from the last decade that I was reminded of how channelling other people’s pain can lead to living in your own abyss of intensified suffering.

My ex-partner and my family never got on; at the time that saddened me deeply. Now, I am older and have more coping skills, back then I was in the middle of their non-communications and it hurt badly to hold on to some comments – hiding them – and to request others were withheld. I have found that so often people would say to me, “I have to say this …” regardless of the fact I have politely asked them not to. Then they would plough in with words like sharp swords cutting away at my heart ribbon by ribbon.

So now my choice is that when people insist on trying to push their negativity onto me I will block their flow. This may be with a firm word, “No!” it may be by physical relocation (of myself away from them if they will not leave) or it may be by informing them that their behaviour towards me (has never been acceptable and) is no longer allowed into my life.

When poison is threatening to flow into a pure water source it has to be redirected and obstructed. I know it is my right to keep my channels of thought clear. I think there are surprises ahead when people encounter my “no entry” blockades.